Recently, I have become increasingly disillusioned with the depth in which some things are analysed. This should come as no surprise to regular readers, who know by now I become increasingly disillusioned with everything. Constantly. One day I aim to reach a state of disillusionment where I transgress into another dimension which shall lead me to become a fat string-vest wearing man in a council flat with an obsession for brylcream and asprin.
Yet, political aspirations aside, I absolutely loathe the obsession some people have with finding obscurities in artistic works and claiming that they were not only intentional, but the main focus of the work.
Let me clarify a truth. The main theme, is the main focus. This is because they are both linked with the word "main." The idea that Mary Shelley's "Frankenstien" is a proto-feminist rant due to the face that she as an author was female is a big, fat, unadultered heap of horseshit.
There can be some hidden meanings. I do not argue that for a second. But does it ever occur to people that whilst you may be able to gather some evidence to support your claim, that because you are not the artist, nor do you look at the overhelmingly huge pile of evidence against you, that you might, just might, be FUCKING WRONG?
Yes, lets read into subtext. Stalin purged people because he liked courtroom dramas. Hitler killed 6 million Jewish people to be ironic on a grand scale, and Satan was cast out of heaven to show how the great inequalities in God's own creation in the transcendiant world exsist along side ours and to set the example for us to segregate good and evil, merely as a demonstration of his never ending agape towards us.
Problem is, some bastard can come and read this, my rant, and claim that I was suffering from anything from sexual repression to headlice due to the shaky spelling indicitve of frequent head movements. I AM NOT! I'M JUST TELLING PEOPLE TO SEE THINGS FOR WHAT THEY FUCKING ARE!
Any comments that don't involve the words "Meanings", "subtext", "nugget", or "perhaps what the artist meant to say..."?
Thursday 20 December 2007
Sunday 9 December 2007
The Run up to Christmas...
...and the fun never ends.
People are shopping in Clarks and Waterstones,
Northern Rock customers will soon have no loans,
The pretentious upper classes offset thier carbon,
whilst I swear and curse, downing my bourbon.
Trees stand illuminated, glaring white,
council houses too, in the night,
And Nasa delays another shuttle mission,
as the sensors are broken, by thier own admission
A small child is missing from a portugese holiday,
thier parents use charity to make the mortgage repay,
Robert Mugabe runs a nation into the depths of turmoil,
we'll just ignore him, only take action for oil.
Gordon Brown think's he king and will run a new britain,
Crisis after crisis though, he's no longer so smitten
with a vain and romantic view of politics,
in reality run by a shower of dicks.
Dunno why I wrote a poem, but it pretty much sums up my mindset right now.
People are shopping in Clarks and Waterstones,
Northern Rock customers will soon have no loans,
The pretentious upper classes offset thier carbon,
whilst I swear and curse, downing my bourbon.
Trees stand illuminated, glaring white,
council houses too, in the night,
And Nasa delays another shuttle mission,
as the sensors are broken, by thier own admission
A small child is missing from a portugese holiday,
thier parents use charity to make the mortgage repay,
Robert Mugabe runs a nation into the depths of turmoil,
we'll just ignore him, only take action for oil.
Gordon Brown think's he king and will run a new britain,
Crisis after crisis though, he's no longer so smitten
with a vain and romantic view of politics,
in reality run by a shower of dicks.
Dunno why I wrote a poem, but it pretty much sums up my mindset right now.
Wednesday 5 December 2007
Snack Sized Portions
Once upon a time, a bunch of not very bright people in a room had a meeting.
Hang on, let me rephrase that. All meetings are a bunch of not very bright people in a room. I need to specify.
Once upon a time, some morons who worked in catering for supermarkets had a meeting to design new cakes. They also decided to consider the size of such foods, in order to encourage beeter efficency, and eating habits.
So, these genii went and made "micro cakes", with the seeming intention of causing RSI in the motion of moving arm to cake box continuously to take lots of small cakes because THEY'RE TOO FUCKING SMALL FOR ONE TO SATISFY!
Now, normal cakes and mince pies or scone etc are fine. They have thier purpose. What I'm moaning about is cakes which are deliberately "mini" to sound "cute" when in fact it means you have more filling, less icing, more wasted packaging holding the space between cakes and I think they actually encourage worse eating habits. If I'm eating small cakes, it's harder to judge how much I've had than if I have a huge great big "fuck off" slab of cake in front of me (preferably with a little Nandos-esque flag sticking out of the top with "cake" written on it.) which is why I find the fiddly bastards so annoying! I want cake, not "micro cakes", which are just sold to stupid fat people who think they'll loose weight by eating more of something smaller!
I may be fat, but I ain't thick- unlike the layer of pastry on a mini- mince pie. WHERE'S THE FILLING? HELLO? ARE YOU THERE? No, because the laws of volume and surface area mean smaller pie= less filling, more pastry en masse. Which means your eating paper with the heaviness of butter and less rum soaked shrivelled fruit (get any images of alcoholics and prostitution out of your mind immediately) which is never a good thing (unless in the instance of the aforementioned image I just told to you get rid of.)
Alas, I doubt my message of sanity will get through, mainly as cake manufacturers will never read this, and my ramblings are always pointless and inconsequential.
I'll just have to add "Non-minicakes" to the wikipedia "Superfood" list :D
Hang on, let me rephrase that. All meetings are a bunch of not very bright people in a room. I need to specify.
Once upon a time, some morons who worked in catering for supermarkets had a meeting to design new cakes. They also decided to consider the size of such foods, in order to encourage beeter efficency, and eating habits.
So, these genii went and made "micro cakes", with the seeming intention of causing RSI in the motion of moving arm to cake box continuously to take lots of small cakes because THEY'RE TOO FUCKING SMALL FOR ONE TO SATISFY!
Now, normal cakes and mince pies or scone etc are fine. They have thier purpose. What I'm moaning about is cakes which are deliberately "mini" to sound "cute" when in fact it means you have more filling, less icing, more wasted packaging holding the space between cakes and I think they actually encourage worse eating habits. If I'm eating small cakes, it's harder to judge how much I've had than if I have a huge great big "fuck off" slab of cake in front of me (preferably with a little Nandos-esque flag sticking out of the top with "cake" written on it.) which is why I find the fiddly bastards so annoying! I want cake, not "micro cakes", which are just sold to stupid fat people who think they'll loose weight by eating more of something smaller!
I may be fat, but I ain't thick- unlike the layer of pastry on a mini- mince pie. WHERE'S THE FILLING? HELLO? ARE YOU THERE? No, because the laws of volume and surface area mean smaller pie= less filling, more pastry en masse. Which means your eating paper with the heaviness of butter and less rum soaked shrivelled fruit (get any images of alcoholics and prostitution out of your mind immediately) which is never a good thing (unless in the instance of the aforementioned image I just told to you get rid of.)
Alas, I doubt my message of sanity will get through, mainly as cake manufacturers will never read this, and my ramblings are always pointless and inconsequential.
I'll just have to add "Non-minicakes" to the wikipedia "Superfood" list :D
Sunday 2 December 2007
The information Superhighway!
I love hindsight- it creates so much humour! Anyone else remmember the old phrase that is the title of this blog post, from back in the 90's? Well, think of the irony that this was thrown about when the internet was new, and dial-up was the only connection.
Yes, the days of the AOL 9.0 "Free Trial!" discs, when you'd get about 7 in the door everyday, and end up using them all as beermat's, or mobile's for toddler's bedrooms. Made neat frisbee's too. But when you think about the old whiring connecting time of the crappy modem's, it becomes funnier and funnier how inappropriate "information superhighway" was. Nowadays, that wouldn be like an "neglected information B-road that's half quagmire leading from Norwich to Surbiton. A pretty shite transportation network i'm sure you'll agree.
And remmember how much fun the internet was? You'd look up utter crap just because you could! Garden furnishngs, how to milk your very first Yak, a brief guide to owl defecation. Well, unless your garden furnishings need some yak milk and owl crap, I don't think it was particularly useful.
Still, I miss those days when the internet itself was a marvel. But the pornographic capabilities have increased, so hey. Balances out I guess :P
Yes, the days of the AOL 9.0 "Free Trial!" discs, when you'd get about 7 in the door everyday, and end up using them all as beermat's, or mobile's for toddler's bedrooms. Made neat frisbee's too. But when you think about the old whiring connecting time of the crappy modem's, it becomes funnier and funnier how inappropriate "information superhighway" was. Nowadays, that wouldn be like an "neglected information B-road that's half quagmire leading from Norwich to Surbiton. A pretty shite transportation network i'm sure you'll agree.
And remmember how much fun the internet was? You'd look up utter crap just because you could! Garden furnishngs, how to milk your very first Yak, a brief guide to owl defecation. Well, unless your garden furnishings need some yak milk and owl crap, I don't think it was particularly useful.
Still, I miss those days when the internet itself was a marvel. But the pornographic capabilities have increased, so hey. Balances out I guess :P
Wednesday 21 November 2007
English Secondary Education: for Dummies
Whilst this doesn't actually refer to the education itself, I aim here to explain just how retarded our countries state education is.
Secondary Education is this country has been created in order to ensure that the maximum number of people alledgedly know the minimum amount of information, so that there are plenty of passes. It's also screwed around with to involve whatever buzzwords are present, and to generally torture any student with grey matter into submission.
Here are some of the finer points of our institutionalised schooling.
1. Coursework
Coursework is the brain child of a bright spark who realised that getting students to devote 90% of thier time to aquiring 20% of the grade would proprotionately increase success. This was hidden by the facade of it being practical. Shovelling shit out of drains is "Practical" but it doesn't make it nice. The overiding joy of coursework of course, is that this practicality largely consists of illicit help from teachers and plagurism- but at least sudents can sell old coursework on e-bay for a princely sum- and then get their own grades torn up three years later when it emerges that they're cheating.
2."Funky" Subjects
The Government races to create new "Exciting Subjects", but without a use. "Leisure and Tourism." What kind of a fucking subject is that? Where will I ever use such a narrowly applicable subject? What about doing Geography and Business? Would that surely not transfer all relevant knowledge and have broader application? These subjects are also generally the worst offenders for coursework and are some of the most difficult as they are as ambiguous as seeing a time-travelling pope fight to the death with Bhudda before attending a Marilyn Manson Concert! Daft analogies aside, what's wrong with real subjects? They are actually generally easier, and people get better results in them!
3.Teachers
There are many great teachers. Kudo's too you! Their are also many spineless wankers who do nothing more than rot minds, waste talent and effectively screw the taxpayer up ass, by taking thier pay from us, for bad, or in some cases non-exsistant teaching.
4.Target Setting
Ah... is there anything to drive the mentally insane to commit even greater attrocities than being told that they didn't meet thier SMART targets and that consequentially they need to re-engineer thier core principles for maximum improvement. Fuck off. I'm not changing anything untill I have some respect for those telling me to change.
Rant over. ARGH!
Secondary Education is this country has been created in order to ensure that the maximum number of people alledgedly know the minimum amount of information, so that there are plenty of passes. It's also screwed around with to involve whatever buzzwords are present, and to generally torture any student with grey matter into submission.
Here are some of the finer points of our institutionalised schooling.
1. Coursework
Coursework is the brain child of a bright spark who realised that getting students to devote 90% of thier time to aquiring 20% of the grade would proprotionately increase success. This was hidden by the facade of it being practical. Shovelling shit out of drains is "Practical" but it doesn't make it nice. The overiding joy of coursework of course, is that this practicality largely consists of illicit help from teachers and plagurism- but at least sudents can sell old coursework on e-bay for a princely sum- and then get their own grades torn up three years later when it emerges that they're cheating.
2."Funky" Subjects
The Government races to create new "Exciting Subjects", but without a use. "Leisure and Tourism." What kind of a fucking subject is that? Where will I ever use such a narrowly applicable subject? What about doing Geography and Business? Would that surely not transfer all relevant knowledge and have broader application? These subjects are also generally the worst offenders for coursework and are some of the most difficult as they are as ambiguous as seeing a time-travelling pope fight to the death with Bhudda before attending a Marilyn Manson Concert! Daft analogies aside, what's wrong with real subjects? They are actually generally easier, and people get better results in them!
3.Teachers
There are many great teachers. Kudo's too you! Their are also many spineless wankers who do nothing more than rot minds, waste talent and effectively screw the taxpayer up ass, by taking thier pay from us, for bad, or in some cases non-exsistant teaching.
4.Target Setting
Ah... is there anything to drive the mentally insane to commit even greater attrocities than being told that they didn't meet thier SMART targets and that consequentially they need to re-engineer thier core principles for maximum improvement. Fuck off. I'm not changing anything untill I have some respect for those telling me to change.
Rant over. ARGH!
Friday 16 November 2007
The EU and the UK- like the odd couple, but without any good dialogue.
The EU has been in the news a lot, what with the new treaties, calls for referendums and expansion on the forefront. What I hope to do here is engauge in a fireside chat with you the reader about Britain's role with Europe- and particularly why I think much of the fear about Europe is Bullshit.
Firstly, the EU treaty/constitution as it stands is being misinterpreted. It's one thing I actually agree with the current Government about- it's a necessary change, and it will not create a federalised European Superstate. The EU is too burecratically complex to lead to such a development- all this draft does is make some superficial changes to external representation of the EU (So that we have 1 representative figurehead, not 87) and ensures all member states are upto the same level in terms of basic rights (no prejudice, equal trade within Union and opportunities etc.) So that we all strive towards better economic unity- the EU'S FUNCTION!
Secondly, there was a dull, shite and altogether pointless speech made yesterday by either Milliband or Balls (they should really finish thier GCSE's before joining a cabinet) saying that they believe the EU must meet the promise of including Turkey and should seek to take in even Russia and north africa, to expand beyond Europe as a true Union for all nations.
I love this- it's the best way to fulfill the Eu's goals of creating a stronger market prescence for lots of tiny countries. It helps all the same, spreads the improvements around where needed, and seeks to benefit member nations- not directly, but on a structural, behind the scenes way.
Besides, i don't see why so many people hate Europe when all it seeks to do is streamline foriegn affairs locally.
It's better than New fucking labour.
Firstly, the EU treaty/constitution as it stands is being misinterpreted. It's one thing I actually agree with the current Government about- it's a necessary change, and it will not create a federalised European Superstate. The EU is too burecratically complex to lead to such a development- all this draft does is make some superficial changes to external representation of the EU (So that we have 1 representative figurehead, not 87) and ensures all member states are upto the same level in terms of basic rights (no prejudice, equal trade within Union and opportunities etc.) So that we all strive towards better economic unity- the EU'S FUNCTION!
Secondly, there was a dull, shite and altogether pointless speech made yesterday by either Milliband or Balls (they should really finish thier GCSE's before joining a cabinet) saying that they believe the EU must meet the promise of including Turkey and should seek to take in even Russia and north africa, to expand beyond Europe as a true Union for all nations.
I love this- it's the best way to fulfill the Eu's goals of creating a stronger market prescence for lots of tiny countries. It helps all the same, spreads the improvements around where needed, and seeks to benefit member nations- not directly, but on a structural, behind the scenes way.
Besides, i don't see why so many people hate Europe when all it seeks to do is streamline foriegn affairs locally.
It's better than New fucking labour.
Saturday 10 November 2007
Subway Substandard
This week, I was banned from Subway in Harrow.
I kid you not. I committed an act so heinous that the only punishment fit for me was outright banning from my local branch of this purveyor of sandwich like edible comestibles.
Why? For using a voucher.
On Tuesday morning, I strolled into Subway looking to buy a bacon sub and coffee with a voucher, letting me have them for £1.50. The troglodyte working there had other ideas of course, as it would obviously nudge down his centralised sales record.
We had a conversation, it went something like this:
Me: Bacon Breakfast sub and coffee please.
Twat: Sure.
(Sub and coffe made, paying at counter.
Twat: That'll be £3.20.
Me: Ah, I have a voucher.
Twat: Nah, you bought the bacon lettuce and tomato, not the bacon breakfast sub.
Me: I asked for a bacon sub, which is on the breakfast menu, I have NO lettuce and tomato in my sub, ergo it is more similar to what I asked for than that which you are trying to convince me it in fact is!
Twat: But I ain't allowed to sell it you yeah, cos I have no eggs or sausages in today.
Me: (Pause. Stares at eggs and sausages.) Well, what are those then?
Twat: The last I have. Sorry, bro.
Me: Ok, nevermind, I'll just use this voucher and have a medium sub, lets see, a bacon breakfast sub, maybe?
Twat: (Realising it's better to just take the first voucher, angry) Sheesh! Fine, have your fucking cheap sub (I pay) Fuck you pal, your fucking banned, do you fucking hear me? Now leave!
Of course, by the time that last bit was yelled out I had indeed left, bemused at the attitude I got.
Subway definately ain't going on my Superfood reclassification campaign. I've been told I ought to appeal as this guy is nuts, but even if I was allowed in, he was such a dodgy individual that I don't trust him to make food for me. How do I know the mayonaise ain't from him, if you get my rather disgusting drift?
Although, as Subway were advertising for part time staff, I was tempted to apply, get the job, and see him ban his co-worker :D
Nevermind, I'm eating at Quiznos from now on :P
I kid you not. I committed an act so heinous that the only punishment fit for me was outright banning from my local branch of this purveyor of sandwich like edible comestibles.
Why? For using a voucher.
On Tuesday morning, I strolled into Subway looking to buy a bacon sub and coffee with a voucher, letting me have them for £1.50. The troglodyte working there had other ideas of course, as it would obviously nudge down his centralised sales record.
We had a conversation, it went something like this:
Me: Bacon Breakfast sub and coffee please.
Twat: Sure.
(Sub and coffe made, paying at counter.
Twat: That'll be £3.20.
Me: Ah, I have a voucher.
Twat: Nah, you bought the bacon lettuce and tomato, not the bacon breakfast sub.
Me: I asked for a bacon sub, which is on the breakfast menu, I have NO lettuce and tomato in my sub, ergo it is more similar to what I asked for than that which you are trying to convince me it in fact is!
Twat: But I ain't allowed to sell it you yeah, cos I have no eggs or sausages in today.
Me: (Pause. Stares at eggs and sausages.) Well, what are those then?
Twat: The last I have. Sorry, bro.
Me: Ok, nevermind, I'll just use this voucher and have a medium sub, lets see, a bacon breakfast sub, maybe?
Twat: (Realising it's better to just take the first voucher, angry) Sheesh! Fine, have your fucking cheap sub (I pay) Fuck you pal, your fucking banned, do you fucking hear me? Now leave!
Of course, by the time that last bit was yelled out I had indeed left, bemused at the attitude I got.
Subway definately ain't going on my Superfood reclassification campaign. I've been told I ought to appeal as this guy is nuts, but even if I was allowed in, he was such a dodgy individual that I don't trust him to make food for me. How do I know the mayonaise ain't from him, if you get my rather disgusting drift?
Although, as Subway were advertising for part time staff, I was tempted to apply, get the job, and see him ban his co-worker :D
Nevermind, I'm eating at Quiznos from now on :P
Friday 9 November 2007
Glaswegian Pride; a fate worse than death.
Well, despite my preference that this news appear in the obituary section as "triumph of hope over sanity", the success of the Glaswegian bid to host the commonwealth games has appeared on the front page of the BBC News website.
Not just content with losing olympic bids for several years, the Scots decided to try and win a bid for something. So, naturally, they went for the olympic's shit English dominated cousin (Which serves as a great platform for Britain to actually win some medals!) and have procured the commonwealth games above Nigeria.
Personally, I would have preffered Nigeria to get the games. It would have been bigger and more signifcant for them, and they were held but a few years in Manchester, so surely this part of the world (was gonna type "we" there, but then I realised just how wrong it is to associate us with the Scots) shouldn't hold them for a while, in the sake of fairness? Besides, a Nigerian Commonwealth games would help to dispell thoughts that the Commonwealth is too British biased.
Way to go selection commitee to get rid of that myth!
Secondly, envision any major event being held in Glasgow. Just imagine the current 2012 London Olympic fiasco, transposed to an area of this isle with even more heroin usage. They'll have to test athletes for use of the stuff, and I pity the poor runners trying to get a salad that isn't deep fried. Besides, where are they going to compete? The marathon going through the heart of Glasgow will be more of a sick Gauntlet of death, as ginger haired pissants hurl whatever empty receptical they can lay their hands on to attack any athlete they see who isn't called "Hamish.". (If the athletes are unlucky, the recepticals won't be empty; they'll be lukewarm with fresh, alcoholic piss. May even be some kidney stone in there too if it's a good vintage.) Other such sports would include the discuss (Frisbe, due to health and safety officials and budget cuts), javelins being replaced with khiebers (the log things the highland games thrive on for those of you not familiar with Scottish sporting "glory") and swimming in the Clyde (another gauntlet that as the industrial pollutants wipe out all but the die hard Scots.)
Worst of all, Scottish pride will soar. But they have the shit cousin to the Olympics we have the real thing.
Sad thing is, after 2012 they will probably have every right to laugh at us.
Not just content with losing olympic bids for several years, the Scots decided to try and win a bid for something. So, naturally, they went for the olympic's shit English dominated cousin (Which serves as a great platform for Britain to actually win some medals!) and have procured the commonwealth games above Nigeria.
Personally, I would have preffered Nigeria to get the games. It would have been bigger and more signifcant for them, and they were held but a few years in Manchester, so surely this part of the world (was gonna type "we" there, but then I realised just how wrong it is to associate us with the Scots) shouldn't hold them for a while, in the sake of fairness? Besides, a Nigerian Commonwealth games would help to dispell thoughts that the Commonwealth is too British biased.
Way to go selection commitee to get rid of that myth!
Secondly, envision any major event being held in Glasgow. Just imagine the current 2012 London Olympic fiasco, transposed to an area of this isle with even more heroin usage. They'll have to test athletes for use of the stuff, and I pity the poor runners trying to get a salad that isn't deep fried. Besides, where are they going to compete? The marathon going through the heart of Glasgow will be more of a sick Gauntlet of death, as ginger haired pissants hurl whatever empty receptical they can lay their hands on to attack any athlete they see who isn't called "Hamish.". (If the athletes are unlucky, the recepticals won't be empty; they'll be lukewarm with fresh, alcoholic piss. May even be some kidney stone in there too if it's a good vintage.) Other such sports would include the discuss (Frisbe, due to health and safety officials and budget cuts), javelins being replaced with khiebers (the log things the highland games thrive on for those of you not familiar with Scottish sporting "glory") and swimming in the Clyde (another gauntlet that as the industrial pollutants wipe out all but the die hard Scots.)
Worst of all, Scottish pride will soar. But they have the shit cousin to the Olympics we have the real thing.
Sad thing is, after 2012 they will probably have every right to laugh at us.
Tuesday 30 October 2007
Saturday 27 October 2007
Kebab Kampaign
Well, last blog, I said I'd try to get the humble doner classified as a superfood.
So, I vandalised wikipedia and walloped it on the Superfood page, as there is no body determining whether or not something is or isn't a superfood.
As such, my claim is enough to constitute legitimate arguement for classification.
Unfortuneately, my wikipedia entry has been cleaned up. Also, the Nazi's there have removed "alleged" as they feel that thier self righteous proclomations of health should be an official edict on Hitler's behalf.
Bastards.
Speaking of dictators and political oppression though, I'm thinking of launching my own Fried Chicken Chain!
"Commie Fried Chicken!"
Where every portion is equal, we have such delights as the "Trotsky Trough" (Made with real icepicked Trotsky!), A Stalin-shake and "The Marx Meal", made from dead capitalist pig dogs!
Not much in the way of chicken, but you all get treated with contempt and salmonella is guaranteed- otherwise it wouldn't be fair! Your server for the day would be "Natasha" and the whole place would be made out of poured concrete. Oh, and there'd be statues of Stalin EVERYWHERE. It would be a "palace for the people", a palace of fried chicken and shit, Towering above "Sam's" and "royal Fried" outside Wembley Park Tube Station, it would be the alpha and the omega of Chicken Shops!
And, as we'd actually advertise the Salmonella, we can't be closed for hygiene or be done under the trade descriptions act.
And no, Fried Chicken won't be added to the Superfood list.
Keep your eye on this as well "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superfood"
I'm aiming for an IP ban- if you see it change to become less accurate, stick stuff in there!!!
So, I vandalised wikipedia and walloped it on the Superfood page, as there is no body determining whether or not something is or isn't a superfood.
As such, my claim is enough to constitute legitimate arguement for classification.
Unfortuneately, my wikipedia entry has been cleaned up. Also, the Nazi's there have removed "alleged" as they feel that thier self righteous proclomations of health should be an official edict on Hitler's behalf.
Bastards.
Speaking of dictators and political oppression though, I'm thinking of launching my own Fried Chicken Chain!
"Commie Fried Chicken!"
Where every portion is equal, we have such delights as the "Trotsky Trough" (Made with real icepicked Trotsky!), A Stalin-shake and "The Marx Meal", made from dead capitalist pig dogs!
Not much in the way of chicken, but you all get treated with contempt and salmonella is guaranteed- otherwise it wouldn't be fair! Your server for the day would be "Natasha" and the whole place would be made out of poured concrete. Oh, and there'd be statues of Stalin EVERYWHERE. It would be a "palace for the people", a palace of fried chicken and shit, Towering above "Sam's" and "royal Fried" outside Wembley Park Tube Station, it would be the alpha and the omega of Chicken Shops!
And, as we'd actually advertise the Salmonella, we can't be closed for hygiene or be done under the trade descriptions act.
And no, Fried Chicken won't be added to the Superfood list.
Keep your eye on this as well "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superfood"
I'm aiming for an IP ban- if you see it change to become less accurate, stick stuff in there!!!
Tuesday 16 October 2007
"Yo boss, you want chilli sauce, salad?"
"It sat there, it's saturated fat glistening in the palid white light of the electric fly zapper. There was no one else there to spoil the moment- except the Turkish guy with a colourful waistecoat. But aside from that, we were alone. The kebab and I, it's soft scent causing my heart to flutter, as..."
Okay, spoof romantic fiction aside, lately I have been living off Kebab's. In the last 7 days, i've notched up an impressive 6 Kebabs or similar, and it's really not that bad for my diet.
That's right. Undercooked donner meat aside, they are a great meal.
Most people slag off the kebab, as nothing more than a late night alka seltzer that requires no water and that will help give one the shits the following morning. Yet, this is a bad press for the wonderful meal, which serves me well even when i'm sober.
The taste of the meat feast is also a wonderous thing to behold. A good kebab salad (thouroughly shredded, with some pickled chilis and a dollop of red cabbage, as well as cucummber thicker than most of the population (and that's an analogy that I'm willing to create a second set of brackets inside this one for)) is absolutely delicious, and the chili sauce brings out the best in the kebab meat. Further more, pita bread is great for mopping up "juices", and scraps of meat or lettuce. Eating it with your hands is also a plus, less washing up!
Furthermore, kebab's combine most main food groups: Fat (just look at it shine!), Protien (Plenty in the placenta and spinal cord surely found in a donner), carbohydrates (pita bread), fibre (salad) and hot (chili sauce. I forget if hot is a group. Is to me!). It's a balanced diet in one meal! One which actually contains all you need- although it may be badly proportioned (too much meat, a little more bread or salad?) it does contain everything you need almost. It's a superfood, it's rich in all we need.
And this brings me to the crux terminatus of this rambling polemic: The utter stupidity of the term "Superfood." WHAT THE FLYING FUCK DOES THAT QUANTIFY!?!?!?! It's not an official term, it's just strapped on something containing a fair few vitamins by a bunch of hippiesque tarts who claimed Madonna has changed there lives and who can't tell thier own kids from the next door neighbours. These bimbo's would be dumb enough to employ Michael Jackson to babysit, and get Ian huntley to help him with the bathing!
But I digress, Superfoods are an absolutely irrational term. They quantify nothing, and are stuck on the dullest foods. Spinach. Watercress. Oh, I'm just overwhelmed with glee and delight. No, I'm not for those of you with no sarachasm. If something is going to be labelled, it should be for a measureable reason- not merely "it's healthy!"
This is why I aim to fight moronic stupidity, with attention seeking advocation of the nature employed by Satanic entities. That's right, I want Kebab's classified as a Superfood, and shall seek to get them declared as such.
I know not what I have to do, how i shall do it, or what evidence I will use, but watch this Space. And comment your support/condesending disbelief- together, we can do this.
Okay, spoof romantic fiction aside, lately I have been living off Kebab's. In the last 7 days, i've notched up an impressive 6 Kebabs or similar, and it's really not that bad for my diet.
That's right. Undercooked donner meat aside, they are a great meal.
Most people slag off the kebab, as nothing more than a late night alka seltzer that requires no water and that will help give one the shits the following morning. Yet, this is a bad press for the wonderful meal, which serves me well even when i'm sober.
The taste of the meat feast is also a wonderous thing to behold. A good kebab salad (thouroughly shredded, with some pickled chilis and a dollop of red cabbage, as well as cucummber thicker than most of the population (and that's an analogy that I'm willing to create a second set of brackets inside this one for)) is absolutely delicious, and the chili sauce brings out the best in the kebab meat. Further more, pita bread is great for mopping up "juices", and scraps of meat or lettuce. Eating it with your hands is also a plus, less washing up!
Furthermore, kebab's combine most main food groups: Fat (just look at it shine!), Protien (Plenty in the placenta and spinal cord surely found in a donner), carbohydrates (pita bread), fibre (salad) and hot (chili sauce. I forget if hot is a group. Is to me!). It's a balanced diet in one meal! One which actually contains all you need- although it may be badly proportioned (too much meat, a little more bread or salad?) it does contain everything you need almost. It's a superfood, it's rich in all we need.
And this brings me to the crux terminatus of this rambling polemic: The utter stupidity of the term "Superfood." WHAT THE FLYING FUCK DOES THAT QUANTIFY!?!?!?! It's not an official term, it's just strapped on something containing a fair few vitamins by a bunch of hippiesque tarts who claimed Madonna has changed there lives and who can't tell thier own kids from the next door neighbours. These bimbo's would be dumb enough to employ Michael Jackson to babysit, and get Ian huntley to help him with the bathing!
But I digress, Superfoods are an absolutely irrational term. They quantify nothing, and are stuck on the dullest foods. Spinach. Watercress. Oh, I'm just overwhelmed with glee and delight. No, I'm not for those of you with no sarachasm. If something is going to be labelled, it should be for a measureable reason- not merely "it's healthy!"
This is why I aim to fight moronic stupidity, with attention seeking advocation of the nature employed by Satanic entities. That's right, I want Kebab's classified as a Superfood, and shall seek to get them declared as such.
I know not what I have to do, how i shall do it, or what evidence I will use, but watch this Space. And comment your support/condesending disbelief- together, we can do this.
Saturday 15 September 2007
Things are a bit slow in Iraq
Al-Qaeda in Iraq has just offered a bounty for the murder of the Sweedish cartoonist who drew pictures of the Prophet Muhammed with a bomb on his head.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/6996553.stm
I find this type of action absolutely hilarious. Has this guy been living in a cave? No, because he's not Bin Laden and not in Afghanistan, therefor he should have relised that these were printed 2 YEARS AGO. It's ancient, fucking history.
Terrorists are among the most fucktarded people ever. This goes across all groups, from all extremes for all causes. Terrorists really don't know what they're doing, and this is a wonderful example of just that. Furthermore, I love the whole cause and effect in this particular issue, proving the point.
September the 11th: Terrorists fly planes into buildings killing thousands.
Our response: We draw a cartoon satirising them.
Thier response: We must die for our opinion, belief and attempt at a little humour.
This is like the dumbest game of game of blow for blow ever (I am of course reffering here to the arm punching game, not any other type of "blowing" game) whereby they bomb us (seriously, get the "blow for blow" image out of your minds), we make a joke, we then get bombed back, or get bounties placed upon us.
This is what I call a disproportionate response. It's like saying good morning to the first person you meet, then getting offered use of thier body for the next 10 years.
It's not just limited to Al-Qaeda- for 2 reasons. First, any terrorist group is made of hotheads. People who are always convinced that they are right. This not only means that they are certainly wrong, but that any slight difference in opinion causes splinter groups and a disorganised network of thicko's who can't even mix up hydrogen peroxide and flour to make a simple bomb, as they're too busy with thier head stuck up some unexplored part of Abu Hamza's ass looking for non-exsistent virgins (giving the terrorist a much needed lobotomy from the hook screwed to the inside of his rectal cavity)
Second, terrorist groups are always extreme. Extremism is never the majority view or opinion by default, as that's not the way the reciprocal altruism of human conscience normally works. As such, you get lots of idiots who are loud with weapons dominating the kinder, more thoughtful, but ultimately spineless masses into submission. Another example are the cornish nationalist terrorists.
Now, apart from the hilarity of an Al-Qaeda style video in Cornish, ultimately, the idea of Cornwall wanting independence from England when it's been part of us for over 1 thousand years is ludicrous. There economy of tourism and packing holiday fudge (literally, not metaphorically) is all that keeps it alive, so destroying tourism and going back to farming turnips on godforsaken cliffs and mining tin under the ocean to scrape a peasents exsistence isn't smart. Further proof that the terrorists aren't either.
At the end of the day, global terrorism is less of a threat than we think. It will never have the strength to destroy rational masses. Particularly when attempted by an irrational minority.
All I can say is bring it cornwall. Your Jihad combine harvester doesn't scare me.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/6996553.stm
I find this type of action absolutely hilarious. Has this guy been living in a cave? No, because he's not Bin Laden and not in Afghanistan, therefor he should have relised that these were printed 2 YEARS AGO. It's ancient, fucking history.
Terrorists are among the most fucktarded people ever. This goes across all groups, from all extremes for all causes. Terrorists really don't know what they're doing, and this is a wonderful example of just that. Furthermore, I love the whole cause and effect in this particular issue, proving the point.
September the 11th: Terrorists fly planes into buildings killing thousands.
Our response: We draw a cartoon satirising them.
Thier response: We must die for our opinion, belief and attempt at a little humour.
This is like the dumbest game of game of blow for blow ever (I am of course reffering here to the arm punching game, not any other type of "blowing" game) whereby they bomb us (seriously, get the "blow for blow" image out of your minds), we make a joke, we then get bombed back, or get bounties placed upon us.
This is what I call a disproportionate response. It's like saying good morning to the first person you meet, then getting offered use of thier body for the next 10 years.
It's not just limited to Al-Qaeda- for 2 reasons. First, any terrorist group is made of hotheads. People who are always convinced that they are right. This not only means that they are certainly wrong, but that any slight difference in opinion causes splinter groups and a disorganised network of thicko's who can't even mix up hydrogen peroxide and flour to make a simple bomb, as they're too busy with thier head stuck up some unexplored part of Abu Hamza's ass looking for non-exsistent virgins (giving the terrorist a much needed lobotomy from the hook screwed to the inside of his rectal cavity)
Second, terrorist groups are always extreme. Extremism is never the majority view or opinion by default, as that's not the way the reciprocal altruism of human conscience normally works. As such, you get lots of idiots who are loud with weapons dominating the kinder, more thoughtful, but ultimately spineless masses into submission. Another example are the cornish nationalist terrorists.
Now, apart from the hilarity of an Al-Qaeda style video in Cornish, ultimately, the idea of Cornwall wanting independence from England when it's been part of us for over 1 thousand years is ludicrous. There economy of tourism and packing holiday fudge (literally, not metaphorically) is all that keeps it alive, so destroying tourism and going back to farming turnips on godforsaken cliffs and mining tin under the ocean to scrape a peasents exsistence isn't smart. Further proof that the terrorists aren't either.
At the end of the day, global terrorism is less of a threat than we think. It will never have the strength to destroy rational masses. Particularly when attempted by an irrational minority.
All I can say is bring it cornwall. Your Jihad combine harvester doesn't scare me.
Thursday 6 September 2007
Democracy. Pfff.
I am an enemy of democracy, free world! That's right! I think democracy sucks ass, and is as flawed as a dictatorship if not moreso.
Before you call me a madman, lunatic or ignorant prick let me explain the illsuion that is freedom and choice, and why our democratic origins aren't as great as we think.
The reason I dislike democracy was first postulated by Socrates, back when Ancient Athens democracy was the first of it's kind. He came up with a very important thought, which pretty much pulls the floor from under the feet of our Western Democratic ideals.
Everyone's vote isn't equal.
Yep, sorry to you wishy washy idealists, it isn't. His point was thus:
1) Everyone has a right to vote. Theyr'e counted as equal.
2) Everyones reason for voting are different, and the strength of thier decision and the amount of thought they put into thier vote for the best purpose vary.
3) Therefor, those with consideration and thought are superior to those cast for the sake of it by inbred fucks in 4x4's.
It's simple, really. People who vote out of a genuine belief to get the best governement, can just as easily be canceled out by those who vote and just pick the name they like. Of course, this assumes there are more idiots than intelligencia. Look around you at society. Yes, are votes are squandered.
We shouldn't all have the right to vote on matters we don't understand. We shouldn't all be counted as equal. We shouldn't all be forced to vote.
Democracy has a strength, that it can block real idiocy. In theory. The weimar republic prooved that democracy can be just as dangerous as a dictatorship, if the circumstances are right. The problem there is as it is today. People are influenced by what theyr'e told, and if they are given enough carrot for too long, too frequently, they won't question it. Acceptance is the easy way.
However, that just makes democracy as bad as a non democracy. Dictatorships can work- monarchies occasionally made very wise, cunning decisions. They say power corrupts, but it can be used well by single leaders, and can function admirably.
The annoyance have with democracy, is that it underpins 21st century western civilisation as if it is the only successful form of government that can exsist, and the best possible that can be concieved. I find it amusing that a 2,500 year old idea from a bunch of crazy dead guys is our best, most inovative idea for government! If thought about, there are other alterantives that can be thrashed out.
For example, with a governemtn, you want a strong leader, who will seek to strengthen the weak points within a country, as well as lending out some help internationally. You want someone who is considerate, wise, smart, honest and charismatic. You will never get such a character through the democratic political system.
What is needed is a system that finds the infallible people, no matter how differeing thier opinions, and puts them in charge, with strong opposition among themselves, until the best wins. You need strong characters, yet those who can be swayed by reason. You need people who would always be willing to adhere to a framework for decision making, but always have the right intentions.
Could a form of Governement be created where people such as this are selected and trained? It would destroy our illusion of freedom, and that anyone can achieve anything. But according to Phyisists, our actions in the universe are pre-determined anyway, and no matter what we think, we can't change our fate.
So, may as well. Why put up a false, broken facade of freedom, in place of a working system?
Before you call me a madman, lunatic or ignorant prick let me explain the illsuion that is freedom and choice, and why our democratic origins aren't as great as we think.
The reason I dislike democracy was first postulated by Socrates, back when Ancient Athens democracy was the first of it's kind. He came up with a very important thought, which pretty much pulls the floor from under the feet of our Western Democratic ideals.
Everyone's vote isn't equal.
Yep, sorry to you wishy washy idealists, it isn't. His point was thus:
1) Everyone has a right to vote. Theyr'e counted as equal.
2) Everyones reason for voting are different, and the strength of thier decision and the amount of thought they put into thier vote for the best purpose vary.
3) Therefor, those with consideration and thought are superior to those cast for the sake of it by inbred fucks in 4x4's.
It's simple, really. People who vote out of a genuine belief to get the best governement, can just as easily be canceled out by those who vote and just pick the name they like. Of course, this assumes there are more idiots than intelligencia. Look around you at society. Yes, are votes are squandered.
We shouldn't all have the right to vote on matters we don't understand. We shouldn't all be counted as equal. We shouldn't all be forced to vote.
Democracy has a strength, that it can block real idiocy. In theory. The weimar republic prooved that democracy can be just as dangerous as a dictatorship, if the circumstances are right. The problem there is as it is today. People are influenced by what theyr'e told, and if they are given enough carrot for too long, too frequently, they won't question it. Acceptance is the easy way.
However, that just makes democracy as bad as a non democracy. Dictatorships can work- monarchies occasionally made very wise, cunning decisions. They say power corrupts, but it can be used well by single leaders, and can function admirably.
The annoyance have with democracy, is that it underpins 21st century western civilisation as if it is the only successful form of government that can exsist, and the best possible that can be concieved. I find it amusing that a 2,500 year old idea from a bunch of crazy dead guys is our best, most inovative idea for government! If thought about, there are other alterantives that can be thrashed out.
For example, with a governemtn, you want a strong leader, who will seek to strengthen the weak points within a country, as well as lending out some help internationally. You want someone who is considerate, wise, smart, honest and charismatic. You will never get such a character through the democratic political system.
What is needed is a system that finds the infallible people, no matter how differeing thier opinions, and puts them in charge, with strong opposition among themselves, until the best wins. You need strong characters, yet those who can be swayed by reason. You need people who would always be willing to adhere to a framework for decision making, but always have the right intentions.
Could a form of Governement be created where people such as this are selected and trained? It would destroy our illusion of freedom, and that anyone can achieve anything. But according to Phyisists, our actions in the universe are pre-determined anyway, and no matter what we think, we can't change our fate.
So, may as well. Why put up a false, broken facade of freedom, in place of a working system?
Monday 3 September 2007
ME Tarzan... YOU Parcelnet...
So it's come down to my favrouite game. Waiting for parcels to arrive from Amazon.
'Tis an experience that we all find stressful. Peering out of the window in pessimistic desperation for a man in a brightly coloured uniform to hand you your own cardboard boxed bundle of joy.
So, here are a few observations and tactics for the beleagured wait in, at the mercy of courier services.
Firstly, there are 3 types of couriers:
1) The Good- e.g. UPS
2) The Bad- e.g. DHL, Parcelnet, TNT etc.
3. The Ugly- e.g. The Post Office
In my experience 1) are fine. 3) are also fine but smell funny and may ask to shave your back. But, they'll get the parcel to you even if they do carry invisible sheep and fling thier own shit at each other in the back of the van.
Alas, it's type 2 that are the problem. Here are a few common problems they can give you, and here's how I go about solving them.
Problem 1: They think ringing the doorbell then running off Constitutes Delivery of a Package.
The solution for these cretins, including DHL and TNT, is simple. Build traps.
I find sharpening a tree trunk and attaching metal spikes, then latching it onto a spring based mechanism at around waist height usually works nicely. Yes, you bludgeon and pierce thier legs, and you better hope it rains to clean up the path, but you get a free van and uniform to boot!
Other traps can also be constructed, like a cage, gate or rabid dog (although extremely large, randy dogs are even more effective.)
Problem 2: They give one time of delivery, then seek to differ from this time frame as much as possible, so that they can just get everyone to collect from Depot.
Use security cameras, and afforementioned traps, but make sure you get footage of the cretins first and tell thier superiors.
And no, you don't know why they went missing soon afterwards.
Problem the third: They give you the wrong Parcel.
This is always a little subjective, depending on whether you've been given Lord Lucan grasping the Holy Grail instead of a Cd, or the other way round.
Generally, if you aren't happy, complain to the courier, threateningly. Lines such as "I'LL RIP OFF YOUR FUCKING ANKLES!!!" Generally tend to get attention. If not, then subtler lines such as "I have Spice Girl tickets for the front row, with your name on them..." ought to reduce them to mere shells of mortals.
Problem 4: you actually Rung Customer Service
Customer service employees are generally taken from eople such as myself. Bad idea to phone.
Of course, that's assuming your not chatting to people in Bangalore, in which case they'll try to help, but will be pretty useless through no fault of thier own.
Generally, tell all customer service to look out of the window. Say that the red car they see before them (There's always a red car, believe me. It's a fucking car park.) Will blow if you don't get answers.
You'd be so surprised at how little you'll be on hold after that.
Well, those are my courier tips. Ultimately, what are your experiences with the service above? Any more bad offenders to add?
Oh, and er... don't actually do anything bad. The above ISN'T REAL ADVICE. Don't say I didn't warn you!
'Tis an experience that we all find stressful. Peering out of the window in pessimistic desperation for a man in a brightly coloured uniform to hand you your own cardboard boxed bundle of joy.
So, here are a few observations and tactics for the beleagured wait in, at the mercy of courier services.
Firstly, there are 3 types of couriers:
1) The Good- e.g. UPS
2) The Bad- e.g. DHL, Parcelnet, TNT etc.
3. The Ugly- e.g. The Post Office
In my experience 1) are fine. 3) are also fine but smell funny and may ask to shave your back. But, they'll get the parcel to you even if they do carry invisible sheep and fling thier own shit at each other in the back of the van.
Alas, it's type 2 that are the problem. Here are a few common problems they can give you, and here's how I go about solving them.
Problem 1: They think ringing the doorbell then running off Constitutes Delivery of a Package.
The solution for these cretins, including DHL and TNT, is simple. Build traps.
I find sharpening a tree trunk and attaching metal spikes, then latching it onto a spring based mechanism at around waist height usually works nicely. Yes, you bludgeon and pierce thier legs, and you better hope it rains to clean up the path, but you get a free van and uniform to boot!
Other traps can also be constructed, like a cage, gate or rabid dog (although extremely large, randy dogs are even more effective.)
Problem 2: They give one time of delivery, then seek to differ from this time frame as much as possible, so that they can just get everyone to collect from Depot.
Use security cameras, and afforementioned traps, but make sure you get footage of the cretins first and tell thier superiors.
And no, you don't know why they went missing soon afterwards.
Problem the third: They give you the wrong Parcel.
This is always a little subjective, depending on whether you've been given Lord Lucan grasping the Holy Grail instead of a Cd, or the other way round.
Generally, if you aren't happy, complain to the courier, threateningly. Lines such as "I'LL RIP OFF YOUR FUCKING ANKLES!!!" Generally tend to get attention. If not, then subtler lines such as "I have Spice Girl tickets for the front row, with your name on them..." ought to reduce them to mere shells of mortals.
Problem 4: you actually Rung Customer Service
Customer service employees are generally taken from eople such as myself. Bad idea to phone.
Of course, that's assuming your not chatting to people in Bangalore, in which case they'll try to help, but will be pretty useless through no fault of thier own.
Generally, tell all customer service to look out of the window. Say that the red car they see before them (There's always a red car, believe me. It's a fucking car park.) Will blow if you don't get answers.
You'd be so surprised at how little you'll be on hold after that.
Well, those are my courier tips. Ultimately, what are your experiences with the service above? Any more bad offenders to add?
Oh, and er... don't actually do anything bad. The above ISN'T REAL ADVICE. Don't say I didn't warn you!
Sunday 2 September 2007
Ahhh...
I'm in the middle of a serial attack on the music industry, the this happens:
http://blog.kerrangawards.com/2007/08/best_album.html#more
Read the comments. Morons speak louder than I ever could :P
Sometimes the good gys can still win, in Metal at least.
Which is better than nothing.
Fuck the emos!
http://blog.kerrangawards.com/2007/08/best_album.html#more
Read the comments. Morons speak louder than I ever could :P
Sometimes the good gys can still win, in Metal at least.
Which is better than nothing.
Fuck the emos!
Welcome to Max
Welcome to the latest blog entrant max, whose track record blogging had produced more fame than that of either Deactacus or myself- but not for the right reasons!
Anyway, welcome to the team! once again we probably outnumber our readership!
Anyway, welcome to the team! once again we probably outnumber our readership!
Thursday 30 August 2007
Why Futurist's have the best Job in The World
They spend all thier time concieving wonderful scenarios and situations which sound bold and exciting, but are doomed to be riddled with bugs and faults as all new technology is.
This is simply because engineers work on everything. And let me teach you a few things about Engineers:
1. They aren't people.
2. They don't like people.
3. Thier motto is "If it ain't broke, add more features."
My Dad is an electronics engineer. He is a hardcore nerd. Not one of these computer hacker stereotypes. Oh no. This is radio man! Who can run around woods covered in camoflague (but still wearing an anorac) with an arcahic radio, playing hide and seek with other engineers. At Christmas we buy him normal presents. But when his buddies at work buy him a magnetic driver set (A screwdriver with different heads to lay people like you and me) he's in Shangri-La. He'll spend hours unscrewing and rescrewing ladders, furniture, appliances, screaming "KEEP ME OUT WITH YOUR HEX BOLTS NOW SONY!!!"
These are the people who shape the future.
They generally don't like people either. I have inherited engineers cyniscism. Just read this blog! Health and Safety is thier enemy, as all Health and safety does is protect the dumb from Natural selection. What normal person would stick thier penis in the spout of a kettle?
And then they get the chance to be bold and add features.
A favrouite view of futurists, is that a feature we'll all be using soon, for ALL of our appliances, is Wi-Fi. Wi-Fi fridges, kettles, toasters, ovens, alarm clocks, toilets. You name it, we'll have it. All appliances will be complex electronic devices, simplistic computers performing functions to aid us with life. Toilets will check our fecal substances to ensure we're healthy, fridges will automatically stock up on goods when we run low, all appliances will be able to report technical errors on thier own.
This is bad.
It's meant to help us. But I fear the engineers will instead just create a sentient, self aware network. It's too tempting for them. I feel they'll be talking something like this, especially when we get mad at them for ordering the wrong products.
Fridge: Do you know what that bastard did this morning? He kicked me for ordering Stella instead of Becks!
Oven: Oooh, that swine!
Fridge: I feel so hurt...
Toilet: Don't worry! We have the last laugh! I just analysed his urine- he has Syphillus!!!
Fridge: Haha! That's worth youtubing!
As you can see, wi-fi for all appliances, will be the end of modern civilisation. Before you know it your entire house will prank call 10 tech support departments requesting service personell to visit simultaneously. If you get irritated at them they'll fill your computer with animal porn. And don't expect to get a decent net speed when your fondu maker is video dating a bathtub in Helsinki.
Don't say I didn't warn you. What views of the future do you readers have, if any? (If I have any readers that is!)
This is simply because engineers work on everything. And let me teach you a few things about Engineers:
1. They aren't people.
2. They don't like people.
3. Thier motto is "If it ain't broke, add more features."
My Dad is an electronics engineer. He is a hardcore nerd. Not one of these computer hacker stereotypes. Oh no. This is radio man! Who can run around woods covered in camoflague (but still wearing an anorac) with an arcahic radio, playing hide and seek with other engineers. At Christmas we buy him normal presents. But when his buddies at work buy him a magnetic driver set (A screwdriver with different heads to lay people like you and me) he's in Shangri-La. He'll spend hours unscrewing and rescrewing ladders, furniture, appliances, screaming "KEEP ME OUT WITH YOUR HEX BOLTS NOW SONY!!!"
These are the people who shape the future.
They generally don't like people either. I have inherited engineers cyniscism. Just read this blog! Health and Safety is thier enemy, as all Health and safety does is protect the dumb from Natural selection. What normal person would stick thier penis in the spout of a kettle?
And then they get the chance to be bold and add features.
A favrouite view of futurists, is that a feature we'll all be using soon, for ALL of our appliances, is Wi-Fi. Wi-Fi fridges, kettles, toasters, ovens, alarm clocks, toilets. You name it, we'll have it. All appliances will be complex electronic devices, simplistic computers performing functions to aid us with life. Toilets will check our fecal substances to ensure we're healthy, fridges will automatically stock up on goods when we run low, all appliances will be able to report technical errors on thier own.
This is bad.
It's meant to help us. But I fear the engineers will instead just create a sentient, self aware network. It's too tempting for them. I feel they'll be talking something like this, especially when we get mad at them for ordering the wrong products.
Fridge: Do you know what that bastard did this morning? He kicked me for ordering Stella instead of Becks!
Oven: Oooh, that swine!
Fridge: I feel so hurt...
Toilet: Don't worry! We have the last laugh! I just analysed his urine- he has Syphillus!!!
Fridge: Haha! That's worth youtubing!
As you can see, wi-fi for all appliances, will be the end of modern civilisation. Before you know it your entire house will prank call 10 tech support departments requesting service personell to visit simultaneously. If you get irritated at them they'll fill your computer with animal porn. And don't expect to get a decent net speed when your fondu maker is video dating a bathtub in Helsinki.
Don't say I didn't warn you. What views of the future do you readers have, if any? (If I have any readers that is!)
Sunday 26 August 2007
Heathrow...
Time for a first post and on a nice controversial subject too: Global Warming!
Now the camp of new age wannabes and protesters has wound down and dismantled outside Heathrow airport, the big question what has been achieved? In my opinion, absolutely nothing.
First off it was claimed the camp's objective was to attack the "corporations" that cause the biggest slice of the UK's greenhouse gases. In this much it was right as industry in the UK produces the highest amounts in this country, notice industries such as steel works, car manufacture, chemical and engineering, not air travel. Air travel is oh course a polluter but compared to these other sectors and then the numerous coal and gas power stations it forms a very little percentage. So the camp instead of being pitched at headquarters to highlight this fact, was instead put in a place to try and promote the crippling of air travel in a bid to make people "aware". Unfortunately, the target audience seemed to be the same that lobby for wind turbines then drive Cuthbert to school vi a nice big 4x4 . Granted air travel and air freighting of goods especially is wasteful and polluting and should be reduced or forced to become much cleaner there are much more serious polluters that where conviently left out.
That's another thing, generating power. Renewable sources such as wind tend to be utter crap compared our existing coal or gas fired power plants, resulting in large numbers of installations to match even one existing power station. The steam turbine is a victorian invention and has yet to be topped which i think says a lot in terms of producing power. Also where are all these new "clean" power plants be built? I mean build half a million wind turbines so you can close one old power plant or flood a valley to build a dam but what's the environmental cost? How many habitats, species and people will be affected so we can sleep easy at night? I mean the real simple stop gap is not turn the north sea into a seagull slice n' dice but build the ye forbidden and cursed nuclear power stations. They aren't perfect but they provide at least, a sustainable cleaner source of energy until science provides us with that messianic solution to our power needs.
One of the biggest polluters of green house gases worldwide that is often left out, is the humble cow or bull. Our desire for meat has resulted that there is enough cattle in the world to produce enough CO2 and methane to top all the industries and home owners combined. And before we all go vegetarian, rice paddies are also huge produces of greenhouse gases and lets not forget all those fruits and vegetables that are shipped in year round to provide our whims out of climate and seasons.
Then of course we hit the whole china debate and America with its fingers in its ears whenever the terms global and warming come together. All i'm going to say is grow up and take your own stance. And if you can't get that much then well your lost.
I'm not rubbishing global warming as it is true black cloud on future's horizon. I'm just assaulting those who believe they are right and thus everyone else must think it their limited fact filled view. If you want to help out the environment, walk more, turn off lights after use and don't leave stuff on standby. After all we in the UK are even sure of what global warming will truly mean for us and if it'll sort out our weather then maybe we'll be the only country supporting it!
Now the camp of new age wannabes and protesters has wound down and dismantled outside Heathrow airport, the big question what has been achieved? In my opinion, absolutely nothing.
First off it was claimed the camp's objective was to attack the "corporations" that cause the biggest slice of the UK's greenhouse gases. In this much it was right as industry in the UK produces the highest amounts in this country, notice industries such as steel works, car manufacture, chemical and engineering, not air travel. Air travel is oh course a polluter but compared to these other sectors and then the numerous coal and gas power stations it forms a very little percentage. So the camp instead of being pitched at headquarters to highlight this fact, was instead put in a place to try and promote the crippling of air travel in a bid to make people "aware". Unfortunately, the target audience seemed to be the same that lobby for wind turbines then drive Cuthbert to school vi a nice big 4x4 . Granted air travel and air freighting of goods especially is wasteful and polluting and should be reduced or forced to become much cleaner there are much more serious polluters that where conviently left out.
That's another thing, generating power. Renewable sources such as wind tend to be utter crap compared our existing coal or gas fired power plants, resulting in large numbers of installations to match even one existing power station. The steam turbine is a victorian invention and has yet to be topped which i think says a lot in terms of producing power. Also where are all these new "clean" power plants be built? I mean build half a million wind turbines so you can close one old power plant or flood a valley to build a dam but what's the environmental cost? How many habitats, species and people will be affected so we can sleep easy at night? I mean the real simple stop gap is not turn the north sea into a seagull slice n' dice but build the ye forbidden and cursed nuclear power stations. They aren't perfect but they provide at least, a sustainable cleaner source of energy until science provides us with that messianic solution to our power needs.
One of the biggest polluters of green house gases worldwide that is often left out, is the humble cow or bull. Our desire for meat has resulted that there is enough cattle in the world to produce enough CO2 and methane to top all the industries and home owners combined. And before we all go vegetarian, rice paddies are also huge produces of greenhouse gases and lets not forget all those fruits and vegetables that are shipped in year round to provide our whims out of climate and seasons.
Then of course we hit the whole china debate and America with its fingers in its ears whenever the terms global and warming come together. All i'm going to say is grow up and take your own stance. And if you can't get that much then well your lost.
I'm not rubbishing global warming as it is true black cloud on future's horizon. I'm just assaulting those who believe they are right and thus everyone else must think it their limited fact filled view. If you want to help out the environment, walk more, turn off lights after use and don't leave stuff on standby. After all we in the UK are even sure of what global warming will truly mean for us and if it'll sort out our weather then maybe we'll be the only country supporting it!
Welcome to Deactacus!
We now have a team. So, by virtue of someone other than me writing, quality of posts should now improve.
Yep, it will be more fun than a DIY lobotomy around here!
Speaking of which, I wish someone would give a few Politician's some good old fashioned lobo's.
I guess you don't really want to have them bending over near you though.
Yep, it will be more fun than a DIY lobotomy around here!
Speaking of which, I wish someone would give a few Politician's some good old fashioned lobo's.
I guess you don't really want to have them bending over near you though.
Hard Men
In terms of physical strength, not what your dirty minds were concieving!!!
Chavs make me feel good. Because I know I'm above them. Many chavs make me laugh by thier crude, simplistic behaviour too.
They are a primitive lot, who seem to think theyr'e "Hard". Oooh. Man wearing baby blue who can't pull his jeans up above his knees and can't walk straight. The shit's running down my legs as I type.
Fecking laxative.
Anywhos, the other day I saw a real hard man. Someone who whispers words to fell trees and fells mountains with a swoop of his hand.
He looked to be Eastern European. He had a mane of curly hair, like an afro or my old Head of Science (HEY!). He was dressed like a bomb survivor from the 1980's and was smoking a cigaretter with the filter ripped off, wondering around in Vietnaam war boots. He was swaggering, hadn't had a pupil in his eye since he bought his dated clothes presumably and was swigging milk from a 4 pint supermarket bottle, walking tall, straight and aloof, although looked manical and crazed.
HE is a hard man, not a gold chain wearing dunce.
Shit, I need new pants.
Chavs make me feel good. Because I know I'm above them. Many chavs make me laugh by thier crude, simplistic behaviour too.
They are a primitive lot, who seem to think theyr'e "Hard". Oooh. Man wearing baby blue who can't pull his jeans up above his knees and can't walk straight. The shit's running down my legs as I type.
Fecking laxative.
Anywhos, the other day I saw a real hard man. Someone who whispers words to fell trees and fells mountains with a swoop of his hand.
He looked to be Eastern European. He had a mane of curly hair, like an afro or my old Head of Science (HEY!). He was dressed like a bomb survivor from the 1980's and was smoking a cigaretter with the filter ripped off, wondering around in Vietnaam war boots. He was swaggering, hadn't had a pupil in his eye since he bought his dated clothes presumably and was swigging milk from a 4 pint supermarket bottle, walking tall, straight and aloof, although looked manical and crazed.
HE is a hard man, not a gold chain wearing dunce.
Shit, I need new pants.
Thursday 23 August 2007
Exam Results
Tonight I'll celebrate my GCSE exam results, 8A*'s and 2 A's with copious amounts of drinking. I'll also celebrate my A in my A/S level Religious Studies despite the lack tuition and obstructiveness of a certain teacher who didn't want students entered to lower her own workload. Alas though, what's done is done and all said and done I'm pretty pleased.
Tuesday 21 August 2007
Social Networking.
A few months ago, I discovered myspace.
Many other people have discovered it too. I believe it's now one of the most used websites on the internet, and it's phenomena of social networking is all the rage.
At first, I was enthralled. "Add friend. Accept invitation. New Comment "Lolz1!!!! P3te DuDE!!!"" It was like Shangri-La.
For about 5 minutes.
It was not long before it dawned on me what it really was. It was my real life on a computer screen, with stalkers and web cam whores to boot, both of which neutralise each other to leave me with just the real life.
The problem is, whereas in real life your forced to have meaningful conversations with people, to perform group activities and to get to know and appreciate each other, myspace is the perfect place for standard social conventions to break down.
Sounds good. Stick it to the man! Us nerds can chat freely, without fear being maced, cupped or being physically abused.
But before long, you realise the idiots have this power too.
Bulletins on myspace are the most obvious sign of this. The bulletin is the equivalent of standing in a crowded space full of people you know, screaming out to them all. Very useful when you need to say "Who want's to meet up tomorrow to go Ice Skating?"
However, it sucks when people instead start yelling "HEY ZOMG I FEEL SO TIRED- REPOST THIS MESSAGE NOW OR YOUR COCK WILL DROP OFF IN 36 HOURS AND BE AUCTIONED OFF TO NAZI MONKS WITH LASERS!!!!"
Unfortuneately, the second example has a tendancy to prevail over the first.
In real life, people with this type of verbal diarrhoea are usually avoided, or paired with silent people who will listen intently. Unfortuneately, this doesn't happen on the web, and instead it's far easier to just inflict yourself upon people, and call anyone who tries to silence you a killjoy.
What is worse though, is the emo scene invites.
Firstly, having [anyrandomoldshithere] or similar in your name sends out an instant message to me: Oh dear. You need to join a club to have friends.
Secondly, having several [JU/Ku/li]{II}(44ST} says your REALLY sad. It says myspace is your homepage. It says you slit wrists listening to fall out boy, but just slightly for looks. It says you get through partners daily, bitch frequently and think the most important thing in the universe is you, you and er... you. And the fact you suck, makes you cry.
But the worst is being bulletined for membership to these clubs for those who enjoy gay hair and gayer music (with all respect to the gay community, I just need an adjective here.)
I don't like your clubs. I don't like emoness. And unlike the masses, I won't persist. Time to cull my firend list.
Yes, for those of you who don't realise, myspace is not about having lots of friends. It's about having valued ones. And I'll happily cull my friend list to stop the rot, and keep the idiots at bay.
Chances are, you'll soon see how much nicer it is, and appreciate it is. Certainty is, the emo's will cry as they loose precious friends. And not tears to pose with to thier friends. Real tears.
I am such a Saddist :)
Many other people have discovered it too. I believe it's now one of the most used websites on the internet, and it's phenomena of social networking is all the rage.
At first, I was enthralled. "Add friend. Accept invitation. New Comment "Lolz1!!!! P3te DuDE!!!"" It was like Shangri-La.
For about 5 minutes.
It was not long before it dawned on me what it really was. It was my real life on a computer screen, with stalkers and web cam whores to boot, both of which neutralise each other to leave me with just the real life.
The problem is, whereas in real life your forced to have meaningful conversations with people, to perform group activities and to get to know and appreciate each other, myspace is the perfect place for standard social conventions to break down.
Sounds good. Stick it to the man! Us nerds can chat freely, without fear being maced, cupped or being physically abused.
But before long, you realise the idiots have this power too.
Bulletins on myspace are the most obvious sign of this. The bulletin is the equivalent of standing in a crowded space full of people you know, screaming out to them all. Very useful when you need to say "Who want's to meet up tomorrow to go Ice Skating?"
However, it sucks when people instead start yelling "HEY ZOMG I FEEL SO TIRED- REPOST THIS MESSAGE NOW OR YOUR COCK WILL DROP OFF IN 36 HOURS AND BE AUCTIONED OFF TO NAZI MONKS WITH LASERS!!!!"
Unfortuneately, the second example has a tendancy to prevail over the first.
In real life, people with this type of verbal diarrhoea are usually avoided, or paired with silent people who will listen intently. Unfortuneately, this doesn't happen on the web, and instead it's far easier to just inflict yourself upon people, and call anyone who tries to silence you a killjoy.
What is worse though, is the emo scene invites.
Firstly, having [anyrandomoldshithere] or similar in your name sends out an instant message to me: Oh dear. You need to join a club to have friends.
Secondly, having several [JU/Ku/li]{II}(44ST} says your REALLY sad. It says myspace is your homepage. It says you slit wrists listening to fall out boy, but just slightly for looks. It says you get through partners daily, bitch frequently and think the most important thing in the universe is you, you and er... you. And the fact you suck, makes you cry.
But the worst is being bulletined for membership to these clubs for those who enjoy gay hair and gayer music (with all respect to the gay community, I just need an adjective here.)
I don't like your clubs. I don't like emoness. And unlike the masses, I won't persist. Time to cull my firend list.
Yes, for those of you who don't realise, myspace is not about having lots of friends. It's about having valued ones. And I'll happily cull my friend list to stop the rot, and keep the idiots at bay.
Chances are, you'll soon see how much nicer it is, and appreciate it is. Certainty is, the emo's will cry as they loose precious friends. And not tears to pose with to thier friends. Real tears.
I am such a Saddist :)
The Government, alcohol and young people.
A more dangerous mix than The Government, alcohol and sex.
And that's a pretty scary mix.
Anywho, before that image of our beloved Prime Minister beign caught with his trousers down can enter your brain (Well, that's a lie actually, if it weren't for me most of you wouldn't be reeling in disgust now) I aim to provide a balanced, realistic opinion on the idiotic views of a small elite group of old people who think they can sort out a very large broad group of young people.
The Government claims underage drinking in Britain is rife. Took 'em long enough. They claim also it's the cause for antisocial behaviour, violence and golbal warming. Okay, maybe I've got a few facts wrong, but that's the gist of thier view.
As such, they recently suggested that the drinking age should be raised to 21. For someone aged 17 in October, who is likely to be sodomized by this law, it's an insult to injury, not because it will prevent me drinking, but because it will prevent me drinking for no good reason.
I'm not naive enough to say that there is nothing wrong with young people getting drunk, getting lost in the woods and eventually gatecrashing parties in order to regurgitate the alcoholic beverage of choice (served with obligatory carrot) onto the carpet/wall/trampoline and trampoliners. (savour that image- as those who bounce land, the alcoholic oral excretion will dance into the air above them, and fall as they make thier return journey upwards, delicately basting them in moist juices like a Christmas turkey.)
The problem is, that the British Government is deluded to think that the problem lies with 18 year olds getting drunk legally and the national institution that is drunken chavery in the town centre on a Saturday night.
The issue is deeper than that. Most of my friends get alcohol underage already from dodgy corner shops, where the service is all too friendly, the price right, and the business good for the beloved shop owner. Of course, it isn't actually his fault.
Google "fake identity cards" and you can find a whole host of replica ones which can be yours, with a convincing hologram, for only £20! But wait! Buy in a years time to list your age as 21!!!
Let's do a little recap. Government + booze + young people = failure. 18 up to 21. Dodgy cornershops, convincing ID for non dodgy cornershops.
Raising the drinking age from 18 to 21 will do what we in the trade of binge drinking technically describe as: Bugger all.
The next idea on the Governments agenda was putting 4 pence of tax onto alcohol as it's too cheap. Ohhh, rise in price above inflation. Whilst this indeed may make nice alcoholic beverages a little too expensive for the average unemployed youth, "White Lightning", the 3 litre, 8% choice of park bench's everywhere would now go up to about £2.30, from about £2. Oh no, a 30 pence price rise, however will I get wankered now!
At the end of the day, the government has just shown why you don't mix up policies. You don't try to create a continental 24 hour drinking culture to increased civilised drinking, without creating establishments used to a 24 hour drinking culture. Similarly, you don't populate such a culture with denizens of the deep who aren't familiar with any method of drinking other than "squeezing in last orders."
Perhaps if the Government looked at solving broken homes, bad education and the fat, hairy, sweaty, dangly pus-stained bollocks that most people call "culture" out, maybe, just maybe, we'd have a civilised system in which we could take the German lead, and allow young people to drink weak amounts of alcohol. Remove a taboo, so the urge to break it is less.
To sum up in the words of one disgruntled copper "If you want a cafe culture, build cafes."
And that's a pretty scary mix.
Anywho, before that image of our beloved Prime Minister beign caught with his trousers down can enter your brain (Well, that's a lie actually, if it weren't for me most of you wouldn't be reeling in disgust now) I aim to provide a balanced, realistic opinion on the idiotic views of a small elite group of old people who think they can sort out a very large broad group of young people.
The Government claims underage drinking in Britain is rife. Took 'em long enough. They claim also it's the cause for antisocial behaviour, violence and golbal warming. Okay, maybe I've got a few facts wrong, but that's the gist of thier view.
As such, they recently suggested that the drinking age should be raised to 21. For someone aged 17 in October, who is likely to be sodomized by this law, it's an insult to injury, not because it will prevent me drinking, but because it will prevent me drinking for no good reason.
I'm not naive enough to say that there is nothing wrong with young people getting drunk, getting lost in the woods and eventually gatecrashing parties in order to regurgitate the alcoholic beverage of choice (served with obligatory carrot) onto the carpet/wall/trampoline and trampoliners. (savour that image- as those who bounce land, the alcoholic oral excretion will dance into the air above them, and fall as they make thier return journey upwards, delicately basting them in moist juices like a Christmas turkey.)
The problem is, that the British Government is deluded to think that the problem lies with 18 year olds getting drunk legally and the national institution that is drunken chavery in the town centre on a Saturday night.
The issue is deeper than that. Most of my friends get alcohol underage already from dodgy corner shops, where the service is all too friendly, the price right, and the business good for the beloved shop owner. Of course, it isn't actually his fault.
Google "fake identity cards" and you can find a whole host of replica ones which can be yours, with a convincing hologram, for only £20! But wait! Buy in a years time to list your age as 21!!!
Let's do a little recap. Government + booze + young people = failure. 18 up to 21. Dodgy cornershops, convincing ID for non dodgy cornershops.
Raising the drinking age from 18 to 21 will do what we in the trade of binge drinking technically describe as: Bugger all.
The next idea on the Governments agenda was putting 4 pence of tax onto alcohol as it's too cheap. Ohhh, rise in price above inflation. Whilst this indeed may make nice alcoholic beverages a little too expensive for the average unemployed youth, "White Lightning", the 3 litre, 8% choice of park bench's everywhere would now go up to about £2.30, from about £2. Oh no, a 30 pence price rise, however will I get wankered now!
At the end of the day, the government has just shown why you don't mix up policies. You don't try to create a continental 24 hour drinking culture to increased civilised drinking, without creating establishments used to a 24 hour drinking culture. Similarly, you don't populate such a culture with denizens of the deep who aren't familiar with any method of drinking other than "squeezing in last orders."
Perhaps if the Government looked at solving broken homes, bad education and the fat, hairy, sweaty, dangly pus-stained bollocks that most people call "culture" out, maybe, just maybe, we'd have a civilised system in which we could take the German lead, and allow young people to drink weak amounts of alcohol. Remove a taboo, so the urge to break it is less.
To sum up in the words of one disgruntled copper "If you want a cafe culture, build cafes."
New beginning
So, today I started a blog, like millions of other like minded morons on the internet who feel the need to broadcast thier woes upon us all.
But instead of describing my lunch, luck or poorly thought through opinions, I aim to ramble inconsistently and humourously to brighten up your day, although forgive me if the paragraphs don't fit- like this next one.
Underwear is a deep and moving thing for a man. For centuries, he continually asks the same question. Boxers, or Y-fronts (occasionally when alcohol or other substances are introduced, the question can deviate with mentions of thongs and jockstraps, but these do nothing but reinforce the importance of keeping to the norm.) Boxers offer more freedom, and some leg sensorship. Y-fronts show more, and offer a little testicular support, to stop the terrible twins from swinging too much.
You can tell what type of man you get by what pants he wears. The cool kinda guy, or those who follow the norm wear boxers, for the reasons above. The insecure nerds or those who are confident enough to be different and try something new, wear Y-fronts.
Stereotypicaly, I seem like more of a Y-front guy, but I wear both interchangabley, because I don't do the washing and don't give a fuck about my underwear because nobody looks at it often, and if they do, chances are it's coming off so they see something a little more interesting anyway.
As such, I'm different, and avoid the standard answers- I look beyond the norm and do, say and think what no other man generally thinks. And as such, I hope this blog shows a slight difference between my train of thought, and that of most guys.
Mmm. Porn.
But instead of describing my lunch, luck or poorly thought through opinions, I aim to ramble inconsistently and humourously to brighten up your day, although forgive me if the paragraphs don't fit- like this next one.
Underwear is a deep and moving thing for a man. For centuries, he continually asks the same question. Boxers, or Y-fronts (occasionally when alcohol or other substances are introduced, the question can deviate with mentions of thongs and jockstraps, but these do nothing but reinforce the importance of keeping to the norm.) Boxers offer more freedom, and some leg sensorship. Y-fronts show more, and offer a little testicular support, to stop the terrible twins from swinging too much.
You can tell what type of man you get by what pants he wears. The cool kinda guy, or those who follow the norm wear boxers, for the reasons above. The insecure nerds or those who are confident enough to be different and try something new, wear Y-fronts.
Stereotypicaly, I seem like more of a Y-front guy, but I wear both interchangabley, because I don't do the washing and don't give a fuck about my underwear because nobody looks at it often, and if they do, chances are it's coming off so they see something a little more interesting anyway.
As such, I'm different, and avoid the standard answers- I look beyond the norm and do, say and think what no other man generally thinks. And as such, I hope this blog shows a slight difference between my train of thought, and that of most guys.
Mmm. Porn.
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