Thursday 30 August 2007

Why Futurist's have the best Job in The World

They spend all thier time concieving wonderful scenarios and situations which sound bold and exciting, but are doomed to be riddled with bugs and faults as all new technology is.

This is simply because engineers work on everything. And let me teach you a few things about Engineers:

1. They aren't people.
2. They don't like people.
3. Thier motto is "If it ain't broke, add more features."

My Dad is an electronics engineer. He is a hardcore nerd. Not one of these computer hacker stereotypes. Oh no. This is radio man! Who can run around woods covered in camoflague (but still wearing an anorac) with an arcahic radio, playing hide and seek with other engineers. At Christmas we buy him normal presents. But when his buddies at work buy him a magnetic driver set (A screwdriver with different heads to lay people like you and me) he's in Shangri-La. He'll spend hours unscrewing and rescrewing ladders, furniture, appliances, screaming "KEEP ME OUT WITH YOUR HEX BOLTS NOW SONY!!!"

These are the people who shape the future.

They generally don't like people either. I have inherited engineers cyniscism. Just read this blog! Health and Safety is thier enemy, as all Health and safety does is protect the dumb from Natural selection. What normal person would stick thier penis in the spout of a kettle?

And then they get the chance to be bold and add features.

A favrouite view of futurists, is that a feature we'll all be using soon, for ALL of our appliances, is Wi-Fi. Wi-Fi fridges, kettles, toasters, ovens, alarm clocks, toilets. You name it, we'll have it. All appliances will be complex electronic devices, simplistic computers performing functions to aid us with life. Toilets will check our fecal substances to ensure we're healthy, fridges will automatically stock up on goods when we run low, all appliances will be able to report technical errors on thier own.

This is bad.

It's meant to help us. But I fear the engineers will instead just create a sentient, self aware network. It's too tempting for them. I feel they'll be talking something like this, especially when we get mad at them for ordering the wrong products.

Fridge: Do you know what that bastard did this morning? He kicked me for ordering Stella instead of Becks!

Oven: Oooh, that swine!

Fridge: I feel so hurt...

Toilet: Don't worry! We have the last laugh! I just analysed his urine- he has Syphillus!!!

Fridge: Haha! That's worth youtubing!

As you can see, wi-fi for all appliances, will be the end of modern civilisation. Before you know it your entire house will prank call 10 tech support departments requesting service personell to visit simultaneously. If you get irritated at them they'll fill your computer with animal porn. And don't expect to get a decent net speed when your fondu maker is video dating a bathtub in Helsinki.

Don't say I didn't warn you. What views of the future do you readers have, if any? (If I have any readers that is!)

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