ME Tarzan... YOU Parcelnet...

So it's come down to my favrouite game. Waiting for parcels to arrive from Amazon.

'Tis an experience that we all find stressful. Peering out of the window in pessimistic desperation for a man in a brightly coloured uniform to hand you your own cardboard boxed bundle of joy.

So, here are a few observations and tactics for the beleagured wait in, at the mercy of courier services.

Firstly, there are 3 types of couriers:

1) The Good- e.g. UPS
2) The Bad- e.g. DHL, Parcelnet, TNT etc.
3. The Ugly- e.g. The Post Office

In my experience 1) are fine. 3) are also fine but smell funny and may ask to shave your back. But, they'll get the parcel to you even if they do carry invisible sheep and fling thier own shit at each other in the back of the van.

Alas, it's type 2 that are the problem. Here are a few common problems they can give you, and here's how I go about solving them.

Problem 1: They think ringing the doorbell then running off Constitutes Delivery of a Package.

The solution for these cretins, including DHL and TNT, is simple. Build traps.

I find sharpening a tree trunk and attaching metal spikes, then latching it onto a spring based mechanism at around waist height usually works nicely. Yes, you bludgeon and pierce thier legs, and you better hope it rains to clean up the path, but you get a free van and uniform to boot!

Other traps can also be constructed, like a cage, gate or rabid dog (although extremely large, randy dogs are even more effective.)

Problem 2: They give one time of delivery, then seek to differ from this time frame as much as possible, so that they can just get everyone to collect from Depot.

Use security cameras, and afforementioned traps, but make sure you get footage of the cretins first and tell thier superiors.

And no, you don't know why they went missing soon afterwards.

Problem the third: They give you the wrong Parcel.

This is always a little subjective, depending on whether you've been given Lord Lucan grasping the Holy Grail instead of a Cd, or the other way round.

Generally, if you aren't happy, complain to the courier, threateningly. Lines such as "I'LL RIP OFF YOUR FUCKING ANKLES!!!" Generally tend to get attention. If not, then subtler lines such as "I have Spice Girl tickets for the front row, with your name on them..." ought to reduce them to mere shells of mortals.

Problem 4: you actually Rung Customer Service

Customer service employees are generally taken from eople such as myself. Bad idea to phone.

Of course, that's assuming your not chatting to people in Bangalore, in which case they'll try to help, but will be pretty useless through no fault of thier own.

Generally, tell all customer service to look out of the window. Say that the red car they see before them (There's always a red car, believe me. It's a fucking car park.) Will blow if you don't get answers.

You'd be so surprised at how little you'll be on hold after that.

Well, those are my courier tips. Ultimately, what are your experiences with the service above? Any more bad offenders to add?

Oh, and er... don't actually do anything bad. The above ISN'T REAL ADVICE. Don't say I didn't warn you!