"Yo boss, you want chilli sauce, salad?"

"It sat there, it's saturated fat glistening in the palid white light of the electric fly zapper. There was no one else there to spoil the moment- except the Turkish guy with a colourful waistecoat. But aside from that, we were alone. The kebab and I, it's soft scent causing my heart to flutter, as..."

Okay, spoof romantic fiction aside, lately I have been living off Kebab's. In the last 7 days, i've notched up an impressive 6 Kebabs or similar, and it's really not that bad for my diet.

That's right. Undercooked donner meat aside, they are a great meal.

Most people slag off the kebab, as nothing more than a late night alka seltzer that requires no water and that will help give one the shits the following morning. Yet, this is a bad press for the wonderful meal, which serves me well even when i'm sober.

The taste of the meat feast is also a wonderous thing to behold. A good kebab salad (thouroughly shredded, with some pickled chilis and a dollop of red cabbage, as well as cucummber thicker than most of the population (and that's an analogy that I'm willing to create a second set of brackets inside this one for)) is absolutely delicious, and the chili sauce brings out the best in the kebab meat. Further more, pita bread is great for mopping up "juices", and scraps of meat or lettuce. Eating it with your hands is also a plus, less washing up!

Furthermore, kebab's combine most main food groups: Fat (just look at it shine!), Protien (Plenty in the placenta and spinal cord surely found in a donner), carbohydrates (pita bread), fibre (salad) and hot (chili sauce. I forget if hot is a group. Is to me!). It's a balanced diet in one meal! One which actually contains all you need- although it may be badly proportioned (too much meat, a little more bread or salad?) it does contain everything you need almost. It's a superfood, it's rich in all we need.

And this brings me to the crux terminatus of this rambling polemic: The utter stupidity of the term "Superfood." WHAT THE FLYING FUCK DOES THAT QUANTIFY!?!?!?! It's not an official term, it's just strapped on something containing a fair few vitamins by a bunch of hippiesque tarts who claimed Madonna has changed there lives and who can't tell thier own kids from the next door neighbours. These bimbo's would be dumb enough to employ Michael Jackson to babysit, and get Ian huntley to help him with the bathing!

But I digress, Superfoods are an absolutely irrational term. They quantify nothing, and are stuck on the dullest foods. Spinach. Watercress. Oh, I'm just overwhelmed with glee and delight. No, I'm not for those of you with no sarachasm. If something is going to be labelled, it should be for a measureable reason- not merely "it's healthy!"

This is why I aim to fight moronic stupidity, with attention seeking advocation of the nature employed by Satanic entities. That's right, I want Kebab's classified as a Superfood, and shall seek to get them declared as such.

I know not what I have to do, how i shall do it, or what evidence I will use, but watch this Space. And comment your support/condesending disbelief- together, we can do this.