Right, i've decided to form a collective Bible of hatred, anger and vicious seething loathing, with which I can attack all those who utterly piss me off and drive subliminal homicidal tendencies. And don't worry, this isn't all about politics ;)
The sad thing is though, it's about something just as bad. Brown nosing. The glorious act of sucking up insincerely to people, with gifts, praise and general loyalty. I always get frustrated because like most decent hard-working individuals- I am decent and hardworking, therefor do my job. I do it well, I get it all done and that's it. I'm nice, I'm friendly I do all you ask and if I want praise, promotion or raise, I let my competence and eptitude lead the way.
Only for some Kniving Shit with a box of Ferrero Roche to go and play smarmy.
The sad truth with brown nosing, is not only that it's incredibly annoying, but that people fall for it. Unfortuneately, we all do as humans- compliments are easy to fall for, especially if your a concerned person. Take me for example, my hair looks like that of a tramp who's been washing his locks in a mixture of cider and flower, and then gone for a centre parting for panache. I can't help but worry about how bad my hair is. But I over exaggerate it, and when people comment on it being cool, I go excessively happy- wildly joyous, like a Nazi with a camera outside a blazing Riechstag. I can't even feel irritated at those who fall for it, as I'm almost certain I must do. Else that or my worries of inferiority have caused an endemic mental paranoia causing me to think so. Which is just as bad!
So, here's a big fuck you to shallowness in the pursuit of cold-calculated progression at the expense of all human decency. Go and blast your tonsils out with shotguns, you festering fungal growths of the worst nature.
Oh, I'll finish this post later! Just managed to weasel £30!
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Thursday, 20 March 2008
Saturday, 10 November 2007
Subway Substandard
This week, I was banned from Subway in Harrow.
I kid you not. I committed an act so heinous that the only punishment fit for me was outright banning from my local branch of this purveyor of sandwich like edible comestibles.
Why? For using a voucher.
On Tuesday morning, I strolled into Subway looking to buy a bacon sub and coffee with a voucher, letting me have them for £1.50. The troglodyte working there had other ideas of course, as it would obviously nudge down his centralised sales record.
We had a conversation, it went something like this:
Me: Bacon Breakfast sub and coffee please.
Twat: Sure.
(Sub and coffe made, paying at counter.
Twat: That'll be £3.20.
Me: Ah, I have a voucher.
Twat: Nah, you bought the bacon lettuce and tomato, not the bacon breakfast sub.
Me: I asked for a bacon sub, which is on the breakfast menu, I have NO lettuce and tomato in my sub, ergo it is more similar to what I asked for than that which you are trying to convince me it in fact is!
Twat: But I ain't allowed to sell it you yeah, cos I have no eggs or sausages in today.
Me: (Pause. Stares at eggs and sausages.) Well, what are those then?
Twat: The last I have. Sorry, bro.
Me: Ok, nevermind, I'll just use this voucher and have a medium sub, lets see, a bacon breakfast sub, maybe?
Twat: (Realising it's better to just take the first voucher, angry) Sheesh! Fine, have your fucking cheap sub (I pay) Fuck you pal, your fucking banned, do you fucking hear me? Now leave!
Of course, by the time that last bit was yelled out I had indeed left, bemused at the attitude I got.
Subway definately ain't going on my Superfood reclassification campaign. I've been told I ought to appeal as this guy is nuts, but even if I was allowed in, he was such a dodgy individual that I don't trust him to make food for me. How do I know the mayonaise ain't from him, if you get my rather disgusting drift?
Although, as Subway were advertising for part time staff, I was tempted to apply, get the job, and see him ban his co-worker :D
Nevermind, I'm eating at Quiznos from now on :P
I kid you not. I committed an act so heinous that the only punishment fit for me was outright banning from my local branch of this purveyor of sandwich like edible comestibles.
Why? For using a voucher.
On Tuesday morning, I strolled into Subway looking to buy a bacon sub and coffee with a voucher, letting me have them for £1.50. The troglodyte working there had other ideas of course, as it would obviously nudge down his centralised sales record.
We had a conversation, it went something like this:
Me: Bacon Breakfast sub and coffee please.
Twat: Sure.
(Sub and coffe made, paying at counter.
Twat: That'll be £3.20.
Me: Ah, I have a voucher.
Twat: Nah, you bought the bacon lettuce and tomato, not the bacon breakfast sub.
Me: I asked for a bacon sub, which is on the breakfast menu, I have NO lettuce and tomato in my sub, ergo it is more similar to what I asked for than that which you are trying to convince me it in fact is!
Twat: But I ain't allowed to sell it you yeah, cos I have no eggs or sausages in today.
Me: (Pause. Stares at eggs and sausages.) Well, what are those then?
Twat: The last I have. Sorry, bro.
Me: Ok, nevermind, I'll just use this voucher and have a medium sub, lets see, a bacon breakfast sub, maybe?
Twat: (Realising it's better to just take the first voucher, angry) Sheesh! Fine, have your fucking cheap sub (I pay) Fuck you pal, your fucking banned, do you fucking hear me? Now leave!
Of course, by the time that last bit was yelled out I had indeed left, bemused at the attitude I got.
Subway definately ain't going on my Superfood reclassification campaign. I've been told I ought to appeal as this guy is nuts, but even if I was allowed in, he was such a dodgy individual that I don't trust him to make food for me. How do I know the mayonaise ain't from him, if you get my rather disgusting drift?
Although, as Subway were advertising for part time staff, I was tempted to apply, get the job, and see him ban his co-worker :D
Nevermind, I'm eating at Quiznos from now on :P
Tuesday, 16 October 2007
"Yo boss, you want chilli sauce, salad?"
"It sat there, it's saturated fat glistening in the palid white light of the electric fly zapper. There was no one else there to spoil the moment- except the Turkish guy with a colourful waistecoat. But aside from that, we were alone. The kebab and I, it's soft scent causing my heart to flutter, as..."
Okay, spoof romantic fiction aside, lately I have been living off Kebab's. In the last 7 days, i've notched up an impressive 6 Kebabs or similar, and it's really not that bad for my diet.
That's right. Undercooked donner meat aside, they are a great meal.
Most people slag off the kebab, as nothing more than a late night alka seltzer that requires no water and that will help give one the shits the following morning. Yet, this is a bad press for the wonderful meal, which serves me well even when i'm sober.
The taste of the meat feast is also a wonderous thing to behold. A good kebab salad (thouroughly shredded, with some pickled chilis and a dollop of red cabbage, as well as cucummber thicker than most of the population (and that's an analogy that I'm willing to create a second set of brackets inside this one for)) is absolutely delicious, and the chili sauce brings out the best in the kebab meat. Further more, pita bread is great for mopping up "juices", and scraps of meat or lettuce. Eating it with your hands is also a plus, less washing up!
Furthermore, kebab's combine most main food groups: Fat (just look at it shine!), Protien (Plenty in the placenta and spinal cord surely found in a donner), carbohydrates (pita bread), fibre (salad) and hot (chili sauce. I forget if hot is a group. Is to me!). It's a balanced diet in one meal! One which actually contains all you need- although it may be badly proportioned (too much meat, a little more bread or salad?) it does contain everything you need almost. It's a superfood, it's rich in all we need.
And this brings me to the crux terminatus of this rambling polemic: The utter stupidity of the term "Superfood." WHAT THE FLYING FUCK DOES THAT QUANTIFY!?!?!?! It's not an official term, it's just strapped on something containing a fair few vitamins by a bunch of hippiesque tarts who claimed Madonna has changed there lives and who can't tell thier own kids from the next door neighbours. These bimbo's would be dumb enough to employ Michael Jackson to babysit, and get Ian huntley to help him with the bathing!
But I digress, Superfoods are an absolutely irrational term. They quantify nothing, and are stuck on the dullest foods. Spinach. Watercress. Oh, I'm just overwhelmed with glee and delight. No, I'm not for those of you with no sarachasm. If something is going to be labelled, it should be for a measureable reason- not merely "it's healthy!"
This is why I aim to fight moronic stupidity, with attention seeking advocation of the nature employed by Satanic entities. That's right, I want Kebab's classified as a Superfood, and shall seek to get them declared as such.
I know not what I have to do, how i shall do it, or what evidence I will use, but watch this Space. And comment your support/condesending disbelief- together, we can do this.
Okay, spoof romantic fiction aside, lately I have been living off Kebab's. In the last 7 days, i've notched up an impressive 6 Kebabs or similar, and it's really not that bad for my diet.
That's right. Undercooked donner meat aside, they are a great meal.
Most people slag off the kebab, as nothing more than a late night alka seltzer that requires no water and that will help give one the shits the following morning. Yet, this is a bad press for the wonderful meal, which serves me well even when i'm sober.
The taste of the meat feast is also a wonderous thing to behold. A good kebab salad (thouroughly shredded, with some pickled chilis and a dollop of red cabbage, as well as cucummber thicker than most of the population (and that's an analogy that I'm willing to create a second set of brackets inside this one for)) is absolutely delicious, and the chili sauce brings out the best in the kebab meat. Further more, pita bread is great for mopping up "juices", and scraps of meat or lettuce. Eating it with your hands is also a plus, less washing up!
Furthermore, kebab's combine most main food groups: Fat (just look at it shine!), Protien (Plenty in the placenta and spinal cord surely found in a donner), carbohydrates (pita bread), fibre (salad) and hot (chili sauce. I forget if hot is a group. Is to me!). It's a balanced diet in one meal! One which actually contains all you need- although it may be badly proportioned (too much meat, a little more bread or salad?) it does contain everything you need almost. It's a superfood, it's rich in all we need.
And this brings me to the crux terminatus of this rambling polemic: The utter stupidity of the term "Superfood." WHAT THE FLYING FUCK DOES THAT QUANTIFY!?!?!?! It's not an official term, it's just strapped on something containing a fair few vitamins by a bunch of hippiesque tarts who claimed Madonna has changed there lives and who can't tell thier own kids from the next door neighbours. These bimbo's would be dumb enough to employ Michael Jackson to babysit, and get Ian huntley to help him with the bathing!
But I digress, Superfoods are an absolutely irrational term. They quantify nothing, and are stuck on the dullest foods. Spinach. Watercress. Oh, I'm just overwhelmed with glee and delight. No, I'm not for those of you with no sarachasm. If something is going to be labelled, it should be for a measureable reason- not merely "it's healthy!"
This is why I aim to fight moronic stupidity, with attention seeking advocation of the nature employed by Satanic entities. That's right, I want Kebab's classified as a Superfood, and shall seek to get them declared as such.
I know not what I have to do, how i shall do it, or what evidence I will use, but watch this Space. And comment your support/condesending disbelief- together, we can do this.
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